In it’s finest mankind is a philosopher asking and attempting to answer great questions: “Is there a God?”, “What’s the meaning of life?”, “What does it mean to be a good person?”, “Do we have free will?”, “Is there life after death?”, and “Is our universe just a simulation?”. These questions send the greatest minds of every generation to search for answers and understand the very meaning of our existence. But what question ascends above those that have been pondered without answer for centuries? “Whose getting the best head?” This brilliant question, of course refers to the now infamous image of Alvin and the Chipmunks receiving oral sex from their female counterparts (presumably taking place at some point after Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel, the second movie in the franchise, in which the chipmunks meet and court their female counterparts). Their female counterparts are the Chipettes, a girl band of chipmunks consisting of: Jeanette, Brittany, and Eleanor. Alvin is receiving head from Brittany, Simon from Jeanette, and Theodore from Eleanor. Now that we have established the basics of the image we can begin to consider arguments for and against each chipmunk. For the sake clarity it is assumed that any reader has already analyzed the image in question.

The argument in favor of Theodore consists of three points. Firstly, Theodore likely has the smallest penis (evidenced by his low self esteem throughout the franchise). This would allow Eleanor to most easily preform fellatio. Secondly, Eleanor is a large girl, she knows how to eat. Her weight suggests that her mouth is a precision machine, which might give her an advantage in oral sex. Thirdly and finally, it could be argued that Theodore has ascended to a higher state based on the expression on his face and his relaxed posture. If this is true, Theodore has a strong case for best head.

Working against Theodore is a strong point. He is clearly fast asleep. This means one of two things: either the head was so stale that he passed out, or the head is so good and he’s falling asleep from post nut bliss (but then she shouldn’t be sucking). This simple reality calls into question the quality of the head that Theodore is getting.

Alvin is certainly reacting much more strongly than his brothers, this perhaps shows a superior experience. Most blowjobs do not lead men to doing the jumpman. Alvin may be a chipmunk, but he’s not a chumpmunk, and this ain’t his first rodeo. He’s been shown to be the coolest in his crew and as such has likely gotten some spectacular head in his time. A man of experience reacting as strongly as he is indicates Brittany’s potentially fantastic dome skills.

The quality of Alvin’s experience hinges on the quality of his relationship. Brittany is shown to be the most popular of the Chipettes and thusly may not feel the need to put in the same amount of effort that Eleanor and Jeanette likely are, lack of enthusiasm could be harming her performance. Throughout the movies and source material, Alvin is a dramatic individual who often overreacts to situations creating comedic relief. It is not just possible, but likely, that his over the top reaction is not because he’s getting his soul sucked out, but because he wants to boost the ego of his girl. While this is a valiant effort, blowjobs aren’t theater, they’re honest to god work.

Lastly is Simon. The nerd, the quiet observer, the self proclaimed “smart one”. His geeky status may mean that this is his first sexual experience, and his equally nerdy girlfriend may be for the first time giving head. In the movies, Jeanette is shown to be the most quiet and conservatively dressed of the Chipettes. This prudish lifestyle could be evidence that she won’t get freaky with it.

As always in life, looks can be deceiving. Simon and Jeanette are in a committed relationship. It is cannon that they find love in one another. And the notion that because Jeanette is a nerd she doesn’t give bomb head is foolish. Simon is having an out of body experience while Jeanette slobs on his knob like it’s an acorn. This is not her first time.

In conclusion, Simon is getting the best head. He has no reason to fake a reaction, he isn’t asleep, his girl is putting in effort, and his face says it all. His damn legs are lifting off the couch like the lord is pulling him to heaven. While many of mans great questions must go forever unanswered, “Who’s getting the best head?” can finally be put to rest.