It might come to you as edgy or pathetic but idc, I wanted to tell you people reading this how I feel after playing for 6 years and nearly 2000 hours.

I decided to play the game just for fun because I decided to just enjoy the game, not just to reach a goal. Goals are good but as long as it doesn't hinder your fun.

For the longest time I thought quitting was losing, so I kept playing. I thought to myself that if I play more I would improve. But my improvement was slow. I spent 5 hours a day practicing only to be passed by genetically better players.

I felt like I deserved to have better ranks or deserved to be a better player because I have been here for longer than them and I even played much more than them. Even though I knew that this was completely bullshit, I couldn't suppress my negative thoughts.

I don't care about other players being better at jumps than me. But after practicing so much streams i still can't stream faster than 200 bpm and seeing other players with much less play time hitting same or higher bpm streams is honestly so unmotivating.

I tried to reassure myself by thinking that i was better than them in general, like thinking that I had better accuracy or had better -insert tournament skill- but in the end I cared too much about my rank and my PP.

Speaking of tournament skill, Other tournament players are better at everything I'm good at in tournaments. Losing feels depressing and unmotivating. Especially when practicing certain skill until you consider it your main tournament skill. Then losing a map with said skill gimmick because you shitmiss.

Every time I fail a stream, every time I miss an easy jump, every time I lose in a tournament because of shitmisses, it felt like a complete waste of time. To make it not wasted I played more, only to feel worse.

Hosting tournaments for Turkish people was fun at first. But as time passed it stopped feeling satisfying. It felt more like a chore. Especially when people don't openly show appriciation.

I tried Twitch Streaming, I hoped that it could change things up. I quickly realized that during my low times streaming made it worse for me. As not reaching the expectations of the viewers made me anxious and sad.

The thing I most enjoyed was multiplayer lobbies. But they turned into mini tournaments where I constantly felt pressure to perform good and compare myself with the others in the lobby. Bad performance brought sudden feel of anger and disappointment so I started to avoid multi.

No matter how much I tried to get a better mindset I just can't do it. Repeating same positive sentences doesn't work as anything I listed above could easily reset the effort.

Only way for me to keep me sane is to quit the game but I honestly feel scared. This was my life for past 5 years. Even now I'm debating whether or not to quit.

I felt like writing these down would make me take the game less serious so I don't have to feel the urge to play to improve.

Whoever reads this far, thanks for reading and I hope you have none of these issues and have a perfect osu! career.

LOL
I was writing somewhat lengthy note about my quitw but i pressed "previous page" button on my mouse accidentally and all my progress is lost. So whatever. tldr: life is a bitch, I take this game way to seriously so it is bad for my mental health (like the wall of text above mentions.) and i won't play as often (whenever I want to wibe to osu songs). But noone will care anyway because I don't have active close "osu friends" and also I'm not a top player. Hi to whoever reads this.