i’m sure that i would’ve been ecstatic if i was told that, eight years after i had begun my journey retrying the same converts that were bundled with the osu install over and over again, i would receive such a level of recognition in the game. even now it’s hard to conceive how many steps were taken to get to this point.
osu is responsible for the best and the worst times of my life. i made so many friends and so many enemies. i gained fame and notoriety. i’ve done so many amazing things, and made so many terrible choices. i was robbed of all of my teenage years through osu, i realized i was transgender through osu, i fell in love with someone through osu.

from the very start, i always felt like i had something to prove. from joining discussions on disqualified maps all the way back in 2017, to making maps and mappools for soft 4 and mwc, there was a constant desire to show that i had actually learned, developed, even grown.
constantly, i felt like i was being put down. by the people i looked up to the most in the game never giving me the praise i so desperately sought after; by my friends who would shy away from having my back due to fear of being lumped up in “drama”; by the random commenters who went from shitting all over my maps for being under-starred and techy to saying that they were over-starred and overhyped; by the gross stalkers who went ballistic because i rejected their advances when i was a minor; and by the NATs and GMTs who gaslit me into accepting floods of transphobic hate getting thrown at me, punished me for getting emotional or putting things off that i was merely obligated to do, and painted a picture of me behind my back that they would realize is completely misaligned with my character if they actually took the time to speak with me. at the same time, i’ve spent years of my life toiling away just to keep the gears going, constantly seeking approval from people who repeatedly dismissed anything i did.

yet, i’m expected to be nothing but grateful. i’m supposed to be touched that i even got this in the first place. and of course, i am more than happy to receive such an honor; but there are other feelings mixed in here too.
i often wonder how the game (and the community) would be like if i never started playing. selfishly, i would hope that it’s better off with my involvement, but at the same time, i’d hope that there would have been someone else, or some other people, to fill the void. regardless, all i wish for is that my presence is felt long after i depart.

-mint-