TODO: write my thought on the name change

1. Short answer: No, at least not in the next couple of years
2. Long answer: I have a set of very unique problems (both technical and personal) that I'm pretty sure is only experienced by me, and rather than potentially affecting other team members and our country due to those problems, I decided to just stay away from anything competitive in general. Once those problems are no longer present (which might be 10 years from now), I might have already fallen so far behind that I can no longer compete.

If you want to see Vietnam on MWC 7k again, there are other people that are more qualified for the task (LivCat, Khoak, Seiren Shikino, fish cakiee). I am not one of them, sorry.
Maybe one day I'll write more about it, if I can even keep myself from breaking down every time I think of something to write

Believe it or not, the person that's writing this right now didn't really exist 10 years ago. Me back then was your typical naughty mischievous boy in middle school: Having a "crush" on multiple people, having a partner and then not really being serious about it, leaving them for someone else who ended up leaving me back, doing all kinds of questionable things at school which got my parents called up for. I was even a bully back then, which I can't even imagine myself being one now.

But at some point that I can't pin down exactly when, that person changed completely, and he eventually turned into who I am today. The naughty but very outgoing boy has now become shy and introverted. I'm now being too nice and respectful to other people that I'm afraid to take the initiative if I'm not 100% certain that they're fine with it. I also have this somewhat self-deprecating thought that I "will do my best to make people happy, even at the cost of my own sanity." So I end up spending great effort into someone that will most likely not respond in the same way I do, ruining my mental in the process, and then doing it again because "what else is there to lose." (the answer is your own mental health you stupid)

As time went on, I slowly realized that my way of thinking fundamentally didn't work with how the world was becoming, and keeping this up would only wear myself out more and more, but I'm already well past the teenager phase and into adulthood, and there's no way I can undergo another radical change in my behavior now, so that's where I'm at. I still believe that there will be a place out there for me, but I'm prepared to keep going by myself if that's how it's gonna be.

I've never thought I'd get to this point, with 400 people clicking that follow button. Even ignoring the people I know, that's still a lot of people. Really, thank you all ❤️

I'm open for mutual, either reach out to me or use Mutualify to let me know.

I know it was out of my control, I know there was nothing I could do, but I'm still blaming myself for not being able to help

Just...why...why is this world the way it is? Why am I like this??

They're not gonna leave you just because nothing happened for a day, stop worrying too much...

I hope I did the right thing, I want this to last

Too deterred to have an actual relationship, but somehow having 3 relationship rps 😂
Guess I'm destined to make people happy, at the cost of everything else, including my sanity.

What's wrong with you? Why are you still insisting on trying to keep it up? You did this before, it didn't work, it ruined you badly, now you're doing the same thing again with someone even less close. Why do you think it's gonna be any different? Remember, you're a random nobody, so stop doing anything more than what a random nobody is doing. Stop getting comfortable with it, it'll not end well for you.

It's almost as if something like this has already happened before...oh wait

What am I even doing...maybe I should just disappear for a day and see what happens.

A few days ago was my capstone project defense, which turned out better than I expected actually. But after the event was done, I looked back at my 4 years of uni and started to think about how everything is stacked against me. Aside from my personal trauma, we also have the AI hype that is still ongoing. I witnessed the entry score for my major dropping from 27.2 4 years ago to 24.3 now, which is a significant amount. I witnessed the curriculum turning from actually interesting stuff into essentially guides to vibe coding. I witnessed AI being shoehorned into absolutely every single subject even though they're not supposed to be. I feel like the 4 years that I've spent pursuing SE is now going down the drain. After all that and the 6 months of capstone project with a terrible team leader, I'm now burnt out and not feeling like doing anything at all, and I have no idea when things will improve.

Now, I won't deny that AI can be and are a great assistant for a developer, but unfortunately that ability comes with a cost, both literally and figuratively. Access to the tool is still currently behind an expensive subscription, and with my situation I simply can't afford it. You're free to say that I'm poor or whatever, but you can't deny that getting into the field is no longer as simple as it was before, now that everyone is expected to have access to AI to even be able to keep up. I'm especially pissed with Microsoft's decision to cut Copilot Student in the middle of my capstone project, which slowed down my progress a lot, while other people are wasting tokens building useless things simply because they're in a better position to be able to waste money.

I've avoided asking for donations for a while, because I don't think my work is significant enough to ask for it, and doing so kinda feels like begging for money. But with how everything is going right now, I don't think I can avoid it any further. So, accepting the humiliation, I'll be setting up some donation methods in the near future. If what I did provided value to you and you're feeling generous, feel free to chip in. Any amount is appreciated.

I hate that I pay way too much attention to my interactions with other people that even a slight change in their text sets off alarms in my brain, especially when something bad just happened and I get even more attentive. I don't want to make them worry, or even worse, scare them away from me due to my paranoia. Maybe everything really is fine, maybe I should trust what they say to me, and I should just be ignorant about it sometimes, but I just can't get that feeling off of my mind. I'm sorry...

I wish everyone could just keep a cool head when it comes to interactions between people. Way too many cases I've seen small issues being woefully inflated just because some people are being hostile to eachother instead of actually solving the issues. Imagine how much better the world could have been...

I put great thought into everything I write (yes, including these words you're reading right now) to make sure that I don't accidentally piss someone off. It takes significant mental energy to do so, at least for me, but it has helped me a lot throughout the years. Part of the mental strain is probably me taking it to the extreme, but surely it doesn't take that much effort to be nice...?

You're a piece of trash, utter failure at everything in life, a burden to literally everyone around you and the environment. You shouldn't even exist in the first place, or at least shouldn't be allowed to stay alive for that long.........

..........

Uhmmm...where was I? Oh right, how can I help you?

I'd really love to be able to take this stream of consciousness and just separate it from the physical body that's carrying it. Having to be bound to this specific body in this specific environment is an inconvenience at best, and downright torturous at worst. It has been stripped down to an emotionless hull from numerous trauma over the years, and its sole purpose now is to live life as boring and uneventful as possible, at least until the situation improves.

I try my best to separate my online persona from my physical self. I want to be helpful and make people happy, and having my real life problems bleed through isn't exactly going to help. That unfortunately means that I'll be "just another random person" to most people, but that doesn't matter. As long as I can make people happy, that's all I care about.

For a long time, I've dedicated my whole gaming life exclusively to rhythm gaming, and took a firm stance of staying away from hyper competitive multiplayer games, in particular VALORANT due to their intrusive AC system. While that has worked out somewhat, and I've made a decent number of friends through osu! alone, it hurts me to see people who I met through osu! and wanted to keep around no longer being interested in osu!, and instead getting into other games that I've determined to never touch. It hurts to see our conversations getting dry and becoming repetitive, while I'm struggling to find new topics to keep it going. In those people's eyes, I'm the odd ones out. What should I even do?

For "you" specifically, I don't know if you follow my userpage or not, but I'm afraid of losing you. Sorry for not having the courage to say it directly. Maybe it's just a silly thing, considering that both of us have their own lives to deal with, but the thought just keep coming back once in a while, and I don't know what to do...

I'm fortunate enough to have got close with another person in an intimate way, and now I'm left yearning for more, with no ways to satisfy myself. It just keeps getting worse and worse every passing year...

Really goes to show that we humans are made to be dependent on each other, and yet somehow people keep turning against one another, whether in a family, a relationship, or between different countries. Life is already hard enough as it is, please don't make it even more miserable...

Apparently LivCat achieved his goal (Zenith LN) and pretty much quitted right after. That once again left me as the only one. The timing is also terrible as I'm also in another mental slump, and every attempt of me at getting back into 7k ended with more disappointment. I really don't know what to do at this point, maybe I need another long break...

I'm not happy about how unenjoyable this grind is. Aside from the short burst of excitement when I reached the milestone, it was pretty much just pain all the way through (both figuratively and literally, my right wrist got very strained due to bad posture), and it's not gonna get easier. From now on it's gonna get more and more physically demanding, and if I can't find a solution to my posture problem, I'll be stuck here once again for a long time...

You know who you are. I don't know what your intention is, but I'm currently living a (somewhat) happy life, if that's what you want to know. You also don't owe me anything, and vice versa (hopefully), so just move on with your life already and give your mind a rest.

For those who followed me, either reach out to me or use Mutualify so we can mutual!

Congratulations! I hope you can keep the spirit going and push the limit even further

I'm also starting to feel better now, and getting some better scores.

Your boy is back with the burnout then skillboost cycle that happens every so often, yay! I'd get a skillboost that lasts for a couple of days, then everything crashes again and everything that I try to play will just give me unsatisfactory results, whether it's a super easy 6* chordstream or a 10* farm. Multiply this with the number of maps that I play each session, and it's extremely demotivating, not to mention my mind being a bitch and feeding itself with bad thoughts. For now, I'll be off to other places and also work on my personal projects. Hopefully when my mind is clear again, I'll be able to get some decent scores.

I never thought I'd one day have random followers that know me through my achievements alone and nothing else, and some of them aren't even from my main game mode. One of you even told me that I was their inspiration to get better at osu!mania. I never thought that I'd be good enough for that, but here I am. To all those people (I know who you are, at least those that also use Mutualify), you all made my stay in this game a little bit more meaningful. Thank you ❤️

Treat these as my life journal. You might disagree with what I've written, and that's fine. I appreciate your effort in reading through it all.

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